Tears streamed down my face. If I have to hear another sermon on unforgiveness, I’ll scream, I thought.
I had been deeply wounded by people who were professing Christians. But the preacher was pronouncing me the guilty one—guilty of unforgiveness.
It seemed forgiveness meant saying, “Oh, well, that’s okay. It doesn’t matter. I forgive you.”
Well, it wasn’t okay. Didn’t my feelings matter? Didn’t I matter?
I didn’t intentionally cling to bitterness and unforgiveness. But I’d wrapped my pain in a bandage of anger, and any attempt to pull away the anger reopened the wound. Before I could forgive, I’d have to allow God to heal me.
Releasing Unforgiveness by Relinquishing the Right to Get Even
I believe true forgiveness comes in stages.
When the hurt is fresh and recent, often the best we can do is relinquish our right to get even. The Lord says vengeance belongs to Him, so we wait for God to bring justice. (Rom. 12:19)
Sometimes justice doesn’t seem to be forthcoming. But even if our offenders appear to be living the good life, God is still working behind the scenes in ways we don’t always understand.
Releasing Unforgiveness by Refocusing of God’s Goodness
Yet as we progress in our process towards forgiveness, God tenderly cares for us, meeting our physical and emotional needs. He may send friends and family to offer sympathy and support.
But if we continually drink in the pity of others, we become victims rather than overcomers. (Rom. 8:31-39) We don’t want to stay stuck in this stage.
When I was hurting, I appreciated the compassion my friends offered, but after a while I realized I didn’t want one unhappy episode to define my life.
So I tried to refrain from rehashing the hurt and instead refocused on God’s care for me.
Releasing Unforgiveness by Remembering God’s Forgiveness
Still, God had a work to do in my heart.
Jesus told us if we expect our Heavenly Father to forgive us, we have to forgive others. (Matt. 6:14-15) In light of God’s holiness and lovingkindness, every sin is offensive to God, even our “little” sins—-the ones we like to downplay and brush off.
So as I remembered my own sinfulness, I was able to go a little further along on my journey to forgiveness.
Releasing Unforgiveness by Realizing God’s Love For All His Children
Then one day I read the phrase, “the brother for whom Christ died.”
The context of this verse isn’t forgiveness. The apostle Paul used this line when he admonished stronger believers to be understanding of believers who had a more sensitive conscience. Though Paul knew he had the freedom to eat meat sacrificed to idols, he was considerate of those believers who thought it was wrong.
“And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died.” (I Cor. 8:11 ESV)
That little expression,” the brother for whom Christ died,” announced an important truth I’d overlooked: God deeply, passionately loves people. He loves the weak as well as the strong. God loves the prodigal and the faithful son. He loves the victims, but He still cares for the offending children.
And he’s patient towards unbelievers. He desires everyone to be reconciled to Him, so He gives each person every opportunity to show remorse for their behavior and embrace His love. (Ezekiel 33:11, II Peter 3:9)
Honestly, it’s an uncomfortable truth, because in my humanity I think, “God, how can you love them when they’ve hurt me so badly?”
A memory from my childhood gives me a tiny illustration of our Heavenly Father’s heart for His children.
When I was about three or four years old, I smashed my little sister’s finger in the door. She was playing with my stuffed animal, and I wanted it. So I snatched it from her little hands and ran into another room. She toddled after me, trying to reclaim the fuzzy, yellow lamb. I shut the door behind me, but her tiny finger was still wedged in the doorway.
At the sound of my sister’s wails, my parents rushed to the rescue. They whisked my sister and her bloody, black and blue finger off to the emergency room, but not before they dropped me off at my aunt and uncle’s house.
In their diligence to care for their younger daughter, they didn’t neglect their older child, the one who caused the damage. (Yes, my sister still has ten fingers.)
God loves the people who hurt me the same way my parents loved the selfish, careless, preschooler who crushed their baby’s finger.
I share this because I know I’m not the only one who struggles with unforgiveness. If you live on this earth long enough, someone will wound you …
…mean kids at school,
… annoying neighbors,
…unfaithful friends,
… and sometimes even abusers.
I want to tell you that you matter to God. Your feelings matter. He sees your hurt, and He cares.
And if the best you can do today is refrain from taking revenge, give yourself credit. But I encourage you to move on to deeper levels of forgiveness.
Complete forgiveness doesn’t have to involve restoration of the former relationship. For me, real forgiveness meant wishing good things for the people who hurt me. It meant praying God would bless them. Forgiveness involved a desire to see them return to the Father, because that’s what the Father wants.
Right now I do this imperfectly. In moments of weakness, I remember my injury, and the old wounds sting again.
But I’ve discovered the way to healing—the way to rip the bandage of anger off the wound—is to relax into the Father’s love for me. Then, because I’m filled with love for my Heavenly Father, I want what He wants.
As you and I receive the Father’s healing touch, we grow in our relationship with Him. We’re better able to release unforgiveness and learn to love the way God loves.
This post first appeared on Saturday SOULfood from Living by Design Ministries
Photo by Lampos Aritonang on Unsplash
Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash